have you got a light?

The question came up yesterday -
"Is Mr Big still Mr Big?"

Was that the truth I told, or was that but a belief?

I think I may have the answer; I probably do. But it's coming to terms with the answer that's so tough. Oh well, in any case, the conversation did not turn out well and the text message was too kind.

On the other side of the war front (yes it's kinda like a fight for survival of the soul), it's probably not a good mentality, tactically at least, to see things with these rose-coloured tinted glasses of mine. But still, I'm quite stoked ( :

(the result of a SATC marathon session)

"I'm good at crossword puzzles. I'm just not so good at people puzzles."

it's now or never

When we start using names of people as adjectives and start saying, "that is so _____"(insert name of friend/acquaintance but mostly otherwise), what does that entail for ourselves?

What connotations do you think your name-adjective has? I wonder if anyone says "that is so ruizi"; if they do, predictably with less than positive undertones, what exactly do they mean?

* * *

Most times the ways people see and judge me actually form part of my considerations before I decide on doing anything controversial. But tonight I'm going to say "fuck what these people think" not only because I don't care for their negative input (how very unexpected ha), but also because I believe I've got the right to be happy (in my own way no less) and because I believe that there is basically nothing remotely controversial for them to disagree with this time around!

If what these people want of me is for me to say goodbye to my present lifestyle and revert to a less "disturbing" one not unlike theirs, then perhaps they shouldn't be scrutinising and disapproving because I possibly may be moving towards that, who knows? Would they ever be able to tell? Or would there be nothing that they would approve of?

Remind me again why am I even seeking approval? I'm going to do what I want to do (and I believe it's not even remotely controversial)!

It's my life, baby, so how about some support please?

oh so piquant

I imagine you,

Sitting there, loose leaves of manuscript flung on the table;
Your furrowed eyebrows, head cocked to the side,
Blunt pencil in one hand, furiously scribbling down musical notes,
Cigarette in the other, from which you sneak puffs from, whilst making those notes dance between those thin black lines.

* * *

This is part biography, part fiction and part fantasy; such is my tendency to over-dramaticise.

if it's lovin' that you want

pictures from quite a while back; click to enlarge, love!

chronic, ha !

lying in semi-consciousness in the middle of Orchard Boulevard,

alternating between a scrunched up foetal position and another not unlike that expected of a mother-to-be,
downing panadol menstrual pills which divian sprinted to 7-11 to buy,
having val press damn hard on my abdomen to relieve those cramps,
having a fat angmo passerby checking that i did not have appendicitis;

haven't had cramps in so long i almost forgot how painful they felt.

my saviours for the night -

divian, kenny, chris, shouteik, arun, val !

manhatten's grid

This may incur the wrath of some, but argh
I AM SO SICK OF ALL THIS UNIVERSITY TALK.

I hate the fact that I have choices and the fact that actually I had to resort to drawing a mindmap so that I could sort out my options! I hate scholarship applications, to the point where I just want to reject all offers that come my way and just waste all the effort I've put in trying to please the numerous panels.

Heck the fact that I got admitted to the uk universities, heck the fact that my life in europe is kinda within reach, heck the fact that I actually did successfully persuade panels of judges (and myself) that I want to work in their board after graduation!

All I want is for me to decide on a course I really want to take up. So what if one has plenty of options? It really doesn't matter, not at all, when all of a sudden none of them appeal more than the others. All I want is to be able to drive to school, really, ha.

But tsk, Law, send me the letter of offer soon please? Because as much as I hate to choose (and the thought of its consequences)... I'm such a sucker for options that I can play around with, damn I'm sorry.

dear sweet friend

Happy Anniversary?

(though you may never quite read this)
(I keep typing and backspacing)

In a year, we've gone from being lovers to ex-lovers to partners to well, as you addressed me over the phone last night, old friends. And I too, have gone from being obsessively lovelorn (I'd never think I'd admit it) to bitterly cynical to hedonistically single to this present state of contented (would it be better if it was contested instead?) singlehood where I'm finally just letting everything in life fall into place at their own will and enjoying this joy ride.


* * *

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end –
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

Originally from Breakast at Tiffany’s (hepburn is love!) but rediscovered tonight while watching carrie and mr big slow dance ( : I’d have to admit, there is a certain resonance I feel and oh well, what a (perhaps lovely?) coincidence.

<3

Realised that the people who were holding the WEHEARTSYLVIA placard at the WP rally that we went to at serangoon stadium were alfian sa'at and co! DAMN I LIKE HIS POETRY : /

And today, my girls wore ILOVEGEOG! stickers ( :

Haha now who’s asking "where is the love" ?

//edit.

Did NOT realise that i'm 3 episodes away from the end of season 4 of sex and the city! Damnit lives and stories of people don't just end like that, do they, they continue! ) :

independent woman

But yes, I feel like I don't know how to write anyone. Let's not even talking about interesting, how about coherantly for a start. It’s not like there’s nothing to write about, there is so much (too much?) happening! But I open up this MS Word document and after typing a few lines I get this strong urge to just hold the backspace key and delete everything. Langugage seems to be failing me these days; the way they fail to convey my powerful waves of emotions. Ah, then again, I think it's just my lacklustre linguistic skills : I want to write about nostalgia, about frustration, about poignance but it seems like my writing doesn’t even seem to justify the richness of them all and even undermines them!

On a completely unrelated note, I have been arranged to meet the PSC psychologist tomorrow which is kinda exciting yet intimidating at the same time. I'm all for self-discovery do I really want someone to read me like an open book..? And then there's of course the conflict - the truth or the white lies? But the fact that the appointment is 2 hours long probably means that my line of defence will probably be broken down or something, tsk the cunning fellas haha.

Oh and yesterday my students handed me a handful of bougainvillea plucked from the corridors ( :